"Lil Ging" 10 months old

Advice for future doc students

Now that I'm realizing that I actually may graduate one day, I keep thinking about what I wish I had known (or fully embraced) when I started. The problem is my brain is so gone that I can't remember all these tidbits at once. So, I'll just try to log them here when I think of them.

1. Keep all your books, articles, notes, posted slides, everything from your coursework and seminars. Be geeky and organize them for easy access later. It's very likely that you'll one day be TEACHING the very topics you thought you could doze through since they don't really relate to your research.

2. Everyone is required to read journal articles that are dull, utterly confusing, seemingly irrelevant, and/or, again, do not relate to your line of research. When pressed for time (or losing your sanity), read the abstract, then skim the introduction and the discussion. Look for phrases like "In other words" and "To summarize" and "For example" as they will shortcut you to the learnin.

3. When you are reading stuff that actually DOES relate to your line of research or is otherwise important, and you're having trouble focusing, synthesizing, retaining or even understanding the material, come up with your own examples. Write them down. Draw an illustration of the example. Then explain it aloud to your dog. Multi-modal learning works!

4. Similarly, when preparing for general/qualifying exams, write while you read. Read a few paragraphs, think about it, and write about the concepts for yourself, including your nifty examples (be very careful to note any paraphrasing and put verbatim in quotes to avoid plagarizing). You will learn the material more thoroughly, and hey! how cool is it that I already wrote two pages about this construct that I can now synthethesize with another two pages I wrote about the Schmedly & Furgus 2007 article and dump it into my exam!

To be continued...

5. If possible, try to have a baby during your doctoral program. It will make study time feel like a vacation. (Kidding...kind of...)

November

Style appointment. New car. Playdates. Doc appointment. Conference call. Cider. Model discussion. Lantern walk. Trader Joe's. Good conversation. Seahawks. IRB. Grant reviews. Conference proposal. Error analysis. Stats consult. Lunch. Caregivers group. Art with Heart. Meet with Nancy. Thanksgiving.

Style file

I recently signed up for an in-home clothing/style consultation as part of one of those 50% off Groupon-type deals. This is incredibly exciting to me as I've been wanting to do something like this for ages, but just couldn't justify the expense. Anyway, I decided to write down a list of style likes and dislikes to maximize my 90-minute appointment. No use spending time telling them No Thanks on peasant skirts and wedges...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

LIKES
wool plaid skirts (above knee, esp with tights and boots)
wool in general
boots, boots, boots
wingtip inspired footwear (e.g. platform heels)
leather (esp camel-color)
argyle!
stripes
wrap shirts and dresses
minimal jewelry
New England prep (sometimes meets British punk)
neutrals, orange, blue, red, yellow
jackets and cardigans
tailored shapes
jeans
v-neck
t-shirts under jackets and cardigans
patent leather
mary janes
stylish shoes okay for longer walks
penny loafers

PARTICULAR ABOUT
prints (graphic preferred, some floral okay)

DISLIKE
skirts cut on a bias
peasants skirts
most purple, many pinks, many greens, most pastels
wedge heels
flowy
hippyish
bedazzled
crew neck
elastic hem/hip shirts
many florals
overt polyester
Uggs except as slippers
hoodies except to the gym
patchwork leather
matchy-matchy
heart-shapes

My husband also has 2 kids

While from the title it may look like Ray has 2 other children, what I mean to say is...my husband has the same general life situation as I do, and yet he doesn't seem prone to dropping 8 balls a day. He works full-time, he has a 4-year-old and a baby, and yet, he remembers what's in the fridge, what resources are available to fix a problem, what appointments he has each day. Me...not so much.

I've always be an organized, on-time kind of person. I've always kept a calendar, but often didn't need to refer to it even when it was chocked full of plans. I also used to remember my list of to-dos without much trouble. I'd write them down, but generally they'd percolate in my head until I could check them off. No longer.

In the past few weeks, I've "no showed" for 2 appointments. This is surprising and embarrassing. I am NOT a no-show kind of person, at all! My present to-do list is so long, that I can't keep track of even half of it. At most I can think of 3 or 4 things that are the most pressing, and then occasionally one of the other 41 things will drift randomly in my head. I am lucky if I'm near a piece of paper to write it down in that moment, because a moment is all it takes before it's out of consciousness for another few weeks.

I guess I have to attribute this to lack of sleep (please, Baby, sleep through the night SOON), 2 kids, several big-push deadlines in the last 4 months, and the general stress of graduate studies. But again, is this really any different from my husband? We trade off nights with the baby, he has lots of stressful changes at work, and to be honest, he does most of our cooking and all of our laundry. I guess I pick up the other household stuff -- general errands, projects and household upkeep -- but still.

I guess the problem is really that my working memory capacity has shrunk, but my need for it has increased exponentially. Regardless, I've got to work out a new system for things. Maybe a talking calendar or flashing to do list. Something!

Hello, er...40!

Today is Friday of Birthday Weekend. I am not working today, getting home stuff done that has been languishing while I've been marathon reading and writing for the last...forever. And having a leisurely lunch and nail appt with Jana. Nice way to start the new year/decade/life, part II.

Anyway, this birthday is one where people like to take stock, look at their lives so far, look ahead, mull, evaluate. Not a bad exercise...

Aside from the typical why-didn't-I-figure-that-out-sooner! moments, life's been pretty darn good and satisfying. When I was a kid, I had no idea what I wanted to do after college. I imagined myself married by 27 (...???). Though I consciously envisioned myself with a Career, I've recently realized that the only career I could actually picture was being a housewife. That was a shocking realization, but it makes sense: my mom, my first and most influential role model, was a full-time stay-at-home mom, and a darn fine one at that. It's a tough job...and one that does not fit me at all. However, it took me a gazillion years to finally land on what I should be doing after twisting around down some inappropriate (and expensive) for me paths. I've always had a sense that I'm here to do something, and I'm so glad I've found what that something is.

I think my biggest...not regret, not disappointment...wish is that I had not listened to the messages in my head that said "you are not good at math" and "you don't like science" -- because guess what? I CAN do math. Dare I say, I even LIKE it. And I DO like science. Had I known this long ago, my path to the really satisfying "should be doing" part of my life would have been much, much shorter. However, there's no reason to dwell on this now, other than to make sure that my kids have access to the fun of math and the fun of science, and let them make career plans based on real information rather than unhelpful (and unhealthy) BS internal messages.

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There is more to say on this general topic...but I'll have to tackle it later. Birthday kick-off awaits!

On my way back

Since June 2010, I have written more than 200 pages and read more than 100 journal articles. I've birthed a general exam and an 8 lbs baby. But I've missed my blog, and I'm ready to write about something besides aphasia, working memory and cognitive inhibition. Seriously.

I'll do that before the end of this week.

Time to post

Breakthrough!

Last post I wrote about my plan to follow a gestational diabetes eating plan. That is still true, though I haven't made much progress. However, I now know why that is true, and a whole lot more.

Years ago, when I worked for a medical center and had access to all kinds of specialists, I saw a neuropsych about my foggy brain. For years I had experienced nearly daily brain fog and trouble initiating, especially noticeable at work. Though I rarely talked about it, I described it to a few people as akin to writing with a really dull pencil, or even closer, being asked complex questions after waking from a dead sleep. Bottomline, I struggled to maintain focus on my work, reading, and sometimes had trouble figuring out what I was "suppose" to be doing in the given moment. I was also tired, even groggy, more than I thought was normal. The neuropsych listened to my (brief) description and said, "Oh, you have dysthymia. You'll probably need to be on anti-depressants for the rest of your life." (Dysthymia is chronic, low-grade depression.) It kind of made sense. What I had been experiencing were symptoms of depression, except I didn't actually feel depressed. Anyway, she wrote me a prescription and sent me on my way. Oh well -- better living through chemistry, right?

I took a low-dose of anti-depressants for a while, maybe 6 months to a year. They did seem to help my mental agility and fatigue, but I also felt a little too amped sometimes...a little like being over-caffeinated. I eventually decided that the brain fog was better than agitated productivity.

Since then, whenever I'm seeing a new clinician and am asked about my medical history, I always have included "dysthymia." And as a grad student, it felt almost comical to devise ways to trick my brain into doing what every grad student does most, read, think and write. I felt really slow at these fundamental activities about 80% of the time. Once in a while (maybe once a month), I would have a whole day of clarity. Otherwise, my strategy: suck it up, persevere, drink coffee.

Flash forward to a few months ago. I saw the endocrinologist about my gestational diabetes, and he mentioned the 'slight hypothyroid' note in my chart. I told him I had been borderline hypothyroid, as discovered by my naturopath after August was born. He wrote out a lab slip and said with some gravity, "Make an appointment with me 6 weeks post-partum. We need to talk about this." Okay Doc, whatever.

At six week post-partum, I showed up in his office, complete with my latest thyroid labs. I figured he would give me the low dose thyroid med my regular doctor had prescribed a couple years ago and I'd be on my way. Instead, he looked at me and took out a blank sheet of paper and a pen.

"You see, most people use this range to diagnose hypothyroid. See how broad it is? Well the American Academy of Endocrinologists have recommended a narrower range. See how your numbers are at the outside of that range? Now, even more recently we have research to show that the range should actually be even smaller. Given this, see how you are way outside the range. And the way your labs look, you probably have some trouble with mental function, like concentration and fatigue. Your previous thyroid meds wouldn't have addressed this at all. So I'm writing you the following script..."

I don't know what my face was doing through this description, but I finally managed to say "Doctor, you have just described my entire adult life."

I am now about a week and a half into my new prescription, and I think it's making a difference. Unfortunately, my infant-related sleep deprivation surely confounds the effects, not to mention I'm not doing much heavy mental lifting since I'm on maternity leave from school. But I think I feel better. I'll really be able to tell when I get a few more weeks out. Also, as it relates to my eating plans, it will also impact my metabolism. And I believe it will make a dent in the intense sweet cravings that have surfaced in the last month (intense enough that I am blaming my post-partum down-drifting thyroid function).

I'm excited to see what happens next -- though I wish I would've figured this out before my general exam.

GD eating plan

In my last post I wrote about a number of surprises which came from Baby Theo's delivery. One surprise I neglected to mention was the little gift which manifested over the course of the entire pregnancy. In short, this gift was a dark cloud with a monstrous silver lining. Or so I believe now.

During my third trimester, I got the dreaded gestational diabetes (GD) diagnosis. Ugh. In some ways this was more challenging on a day-to-day basis than the pre-eclampsia had been with the previous pregnancy, as it required constant vigilance. And, it required some interesting eating since, remarkably, I had not gained more than 2 pounds over the course of the pregnancy when I received this diagnosis. I wasn't interest in eating much at all throughout the pregnancy, so I had to work with the nutritionist to eat enough calories, and the right calories. It's a pain to force yourself to eat when you don't want to.

Initially I lost weight. You can imagine how nervous this made me when you're suppose to put on weight during the 3rd trimester, not lose it. I went down 4-5 pounds in the first few weeks following the diagnosis. Then I got the hang of eating extra of certain foods to put the weight back on. All told, when Theo was born, I probably was about 2 pounds over where I was in my first months of pregnancy and before.

Alarming? For some, yes. Because I had been carrying extra weight before the pregnancy, I wanted to gain no more than 20 pounds total. When it was clear I wasn't gaining any weight, my doctor scheduled a few extra ultrasounds to make sure baby was on track. Since he was gaining weight and length appropriately, my doctor wasn't too concerned (though kept an eye on me).

Flash forward to delivery...in the course of a morning I lost 15 pounds. Two weeks later, I was down another 10. My pre-pregnancy jeans needed to go to Goodwill as they were too baggy. What the hell?! Can this be healthy?

Of course, now that fully accept what the doctor has told me, I am ecstatic about this little gift that came with Baby. And I don't want to squander it. In fact, along with the "free" weight loss, I also received a potentially powerful tool in getting rid of the rest of the excess weight: the Gestational Diabetes eating plan. I seriously think this could be the key for me.

Here's the deal -- the recommended eating plan given to pregnant women with GD is all about consuming a limited number of carb grams, spread out evenly throughout the day. If you are someone who eats pretty healthy -- i.e. sufficient fiber, veg, fruit, good fat/lean protein and little to no processed foods -- there is really no need to count anything other than grams of carbs.

Recommended grams of carbs per meal/day:
Breakfast -- 15-30
AM Snack (2 hours after breakfast) -- 15-30
Lunch -- 30-60
PM Snack (2 hours after lunch) -- 15-30
Dinner -- 30-60
Evening Snack (2 hours after dinner) -- 15-30

Details:
1. I was told that I should eat at least 175 grams of carbs for the day, but that wasn't always doable. Ultimately, I tried to eat at least 150, and I had a few occasions of eating up to 200. The way the carbs are spread out over the day forced me to make good and thoughtful choices (and since we stock our kitchen with 'good choices' anyway, this wasn't that hard). As a result, I think my diet was more balanced and healthy than what's typical for me.

2. I had to eat a meal all at once...meaning I couldn't eat a little bit, then go back 30 minutes later for a little bit more. This is because I had to take a reading of my blood glucose 2 hours after starting a meal, so I didn't want to get a high reading just because I finally finished my breakfast an hour or more after I started. Basically, this means I would make myself eat the entire meal within 15-20 minutes.

This was probably the most challenging aspect of this regimen, as I realized I rarely sit down and actually "eat a meal." With the exception of dinner, my meals are usually larger snacks spread out over an hour or two. While this may work for some, I think it probably leads me to eat more than I need. Forcing me to figure out the entirety of what I want to consume in one sitting, and then eat nothing for the following 2 hours was really weird, and difficult. But as a result, I ate more mindfully, and therefore less.


ANYWAY, without making this post a magnum opus, I am going to do a month of this eating plan now that I am not pregnant and see what happens. I want to see how I feel and see if I lose an appropriate amount of weight during the month of March. As part of this process, I'm thinking I'll spend some time blogging about the experience, what I've learned and am learning, mostly for my own use and motivation. And, as usual, writing about it and putting it out in the universe makes it so.

Baby Theo

Now that it's been four weeks since his arrival, I am finally realizing I need to write up a few things about newborn Baby Theo before it's all a distant memory.

Baby Theo's arrival was thankfully a really smooth operation. Compared to August's birth, there was no pre-eclampsia, no hospital bedrest, no induced labor, no baby-in-distress delivery. In fact, there was much less physical trauma than I expected, even though major surgery was involved to get this baby out.

However, smooth does not mean it was a surprise-free birth.

Surprise 1: They had me walk into the operating room and climb up on the table myself. Quite different from being wheeled around the hospital for a week prior to a rush into the operating room.

Surprise 2: Theo did NOT arrive with a shock of black hair like his sister. Ray and I spent a few days after the birth in bewilderment over our "generic white baby." We had counted on nothing being the same between the two kids...except lots of dark hair.

Surprise 3: Recovery from surgery was incredibly fast...less than half the pain, discomfort and general side effects following surgery than I experienced last time. All I needed was some ibuprofen for a few days once home, and then even that wasn't necessary. I felt ready to do stairs after about day 2 at home as well. Amazing.

Surprise 4: (Not for the faint-hearted) I asked my doctor to walk me through the tubal ligation while I was on the operating table, which she did, followed by showing me the removed portion of tube. "It looks like penne!" she said. And it did. A flattened, smallish piece of penne pasta. Wow--I was expecting something more like spaghetti!

All in all, it was an incredibly positive birth experience for someone who had so much go wonky the first time around. I'm grateful. And I'm super pleased with our very hungry and vocal little guy, who has already gained about a pound in his first month with us. He not only eats well, but he also sleeps well, and I'm crossing my fingers that this trend continues!

Justifying dessert

Ray and I have regular conversations about healthy foods and eating habits, maybe even more than most people. We are pretty active in making good food choices and acknowledging what trips us up. However, what does one do when one really wants to try recipes for things that one should not eat. I'm talking about dessert. And just recently I realized that I've been stockpiling (both physically and mentally) about 5 dessert recipes over the last 3 years or so.

1. Panna cotta -- This dessert always looks so good when they make it on tv...even though it seems more or less like jello-fied custard. I think I tried it once but it was runny and disappointing. Must attempt again.

2. Banana pudding (DONE) -- Every time Alton Brown or Ina Garten or whoever makes this, I run to the computer, find and print the recipe. Alton Brown even makes his own Vanilla Wafers to go with the pudding. Anyway, I have several variations in my recipe stash...and have attempted none. (Feb 14 -- Well, it was good, but not that good. Not adding it to my permanent dessert line-up...like item 5.)

3. Zabaglione/Sabayon -- Oh Italy, why do you come up with so many good things to eat. I had never heard of this dessert before having lunch with my old boss/favorite priest Terry several years ago, who loves everything Italian...especially the food and drink. He insisted I order it to "share" and then made me eat the whole thing. No joke. Thankfully it was very worth it. I haven't had it since. I'm not sure I've seen a recipe for this custard/fruit dessert, but I WILL find one. And it will probably take a few attempts to get it right -- it seems challenging.

4. Pavlova -- Ina Garten does this nifty meringue shell/roasted berry thing that looks so good. And pretty. And doable.

5. Chocolate loaf cake -- I'm throwing this one on the list even though I have already made it 2-3 times. It's a really simple chocolate cake that you make like you're whipping up some banana bread, and somehow it puts other chocolate cakes to shame. Seriously. It's that good. Leave it to Nigella.

Oh, I have one more in the "already done it" category:

6. Ginger ice cream sandwiches -- A bunch of years ago, I saw a recipe for ginger ice cream with chocolate cake. Intrigued, I borrowed a friend's ice cream maker, and bought some of those Famous Chocolate Wafers or whatever they're called. The ice cream came out great, wasn't too hard, and was TO DIE FOR sandwiched between the wafers. I've been pining for a redo ever since.

I am not someone who believes in 100% deprivation, so I will attempt these desserts sometime this year. In fact, I kind of want to perfect the ones that are hard, so I have them in my arsenal of go-to desserts for company and occasions. I'll just need to really pace myself on the "perfecting" process. Maybe one a month is a good pace to set, and shared with a couple willing taste-testers.

New year

Today is the first day of 2011. Trippy. There are 18 days between me and birthing a small boychild, if not sooner. There are about 170 days of "time off" before I'm officially back at school. There are probably 75 loose pages of recipes sitting in an inbox next to my desk. There are way way more photos that have been taken, but not uploaded, much less printed, from the last year or more. There are about 10 cupboards and closets that need a good sorting out (see last post). There are XX pounds to be lost after boychild arrives, which I'd like to take care of in the first 162 days post-partum. There are more than 100 cds that I have yet to upload to my computer/iPod. There are at least 10 friends that I haven't seen in far too long. And there is one cell phone that needs to be replaced in the next 48 hours, before it cramps my style any further.

The list

Now that the big adrenalin rush of "Birth 1" (as I've been calling it, i.e. general exam) is over, I now am faced with the unusual prospect of f.r.e.e.t.i.m.e. before "Birth 2" (small human). That is until bedrest is ordered.

I had made several appointments (dentist, car stuff, etc) for this week thinking bedrest was imminent, but behold...it may not be. So, what's a girl to do?! I haven't had this kind of time-off since right before I went back to school in 2005. In essence, now is the time to do all that organizing and throwing out of stuff that we basically shoved into closets when we first moved in. And hopefully get rid of a lot of stuff.

- clean desk/office (why is this always at the top of the list?) (basically done)
- new phone (done)
- finish baby room (almost done)
- organize hall closet (done)
- organize upstairs hall closet (done)
- organize downstairs bathroom closet (done)
- take books to bookseller (done)
- organize pantry shelves
- clean out trunk (done)
- organize kitchen cupboards
- organize office closet
- organize journal article stash (ugh...don't even know where to begin on this as it'll require new file cabinet. Best leave this at the end of the list.)

Academic marathon

Dear blog,

I'm sorry to neglect you. I don't mean to, but all my writing energy is being expended elsewhere right now. I'm taking a moment now to document this point in life so I won't forget it.

On Oct 20 I started my general exam. I'd been prepping for it since July. What this means is a grand synthesis of my subject area, boiled down as written responses to 3 questions. I cover about 70-80 papers and book chapters, and then some. The final document will be around 100 pages, which my committee of 4 will read. Then they'll ask me questions about it and the papers I've covered in an oral defense that's about a 2 hour process. This is the hardest part of a Ph.D. program. Once you're through generals, you're considered a doctoral candidate, and you just have a dissertation to go (which is rigorous, but not nearly as demanding as the exam). I don't know if that's how the exam is at every school, but I think so.

At the moment, I am more or less done with question 1, and yesterday I started question 2. I will work on question 2 for another 10 days or so, then I'll hopefully be ready for question 3. That's how my timeline is constructed anyway. I am trying to turn my exam in to my committee by Wed before Thanksgiving, and I'm hoping to defend it by Dec 6. Will I make this deadline? I'm cautiously optimistic.

What makes me nervous is that I'm really pushing to be done before I get to my 33rd week of pregnancy, as that's about the time when I went on bedrest last time. The deadline is very real. However, as I keep telling myself, if I don't make it by then, the world will not end. I can finish my exam after the baby arrives and I return to schoolwork. I am taking 6 months off, but will go nutso if I don't have something intellectually meaty to do. In any case, things like this work themselves out. But it would be really really good to be done before my leave.

Also, I don't want to rush things and not be ready for the defense. This is where people fail. I know 2 people who failed. It's not pretty, though both of them were able to address the committee's specific concerns and get through it. (Actually, I don't know if person 2 has had a chance to do this yet, but I assume she'll be okay. She's very smart.) It would just really suck to fail. It would take the wind out of my sails right before going on leave, when I'll naturally take a mental hiatus. Scary.

All I can do is keep plugging away, keep focused on the immediate part of my writing, and take chunks out of each response every day. I have about 40 pages written already. Easy does it. (Well, maybe not easy...slow and steady?)

Future Mountaineer?

Yesterday, August and I went on a hike up to Twin Falls in the Snoqualmie area. I'd read it's not a difficult hike, but there is some elevation gain (and loss, and gain again) after starting as a mostly flat trail. I figured we'd just go as far as she could take. Every time I asked her if she'd like to take a break, have some water, snack, etc, she simply said "no thanks" and we kept going. I worked up a pretty good sweat...I certainly didn't want to stop for a break if she didn't! She did the entire hike, up and down, rocky terrain, 3 miles round-trip overall.

Along the way, we saw lots of kids...some of them older than her being carried in backpacks, or stopping for a rest. Several adults were huffing and puffing up the switchbacks. A number of people on the trail remarked about her stamina.

It's hard for me to believe she's only 3. We are again reminded that she is very physically able + stong-willed/focused kid.

Pony, Montana

Saturday, August 21st
We arrived at the cabin in Pony later in the day than we expected. The drive from Spokane to Pony was abut 7 hours or so, including the hour for lunch and several stops for bathroom/drinks. Driving in to Pony was a surprise. I didn't know what to expect, but I guess I didn't expect the town to be nestled at the foot of some beautiful grassy hills -- but then again it is at the edge of the Beaverhead-Deerlodge Forest. It's easy to see how Richard Hugo, and later Frances, were both inspired to write here. Its stunning surroundings and fascinating ghosttown-iness are food for the imagination.

The cabin itself is quite humble...one big room, with two bedrooms, a bathroom and laundry room off of it. The hot tub reminds me of hillbillies -- a large wooden barrel with a stove attached. Just behind the cabin is the creek (I think it's the North Willow Creek), giving the cabin continuous background music of running water.

The cabin has stone-composite tiled floors and the thickest towels I've ever felt. August's room has a twin bed with a trundle underneath, and Ray and I's room has a saggy doublebed -- we roll toward the middle when we're both laying down.

Waiting for us were a loaf of fresh homebaked wheat bread and some wrapped packages of elk meat and deer sausage in the fridge.

Sunday, August 22nd
After a leisurely morning (deer sausage scramble for breakfast!) we head south to Ennis to find the "real" grocery store, since the one in nearest town Harrison is not much more than a convenience store. Most of the way there (26 miles) we wonder if it'll even be open, given it's Sunday. Thankfully it is, and we wander around filling our cart with cabin-meal staples.

In the afternoon, we walk through Pony. The old 2-story brick bank building (now abandoned) is at the end of our block, where it intersects with the main drag. We walk down the street, past the only really thriving business in Pony -- the Pony Bar. We see people! We continue on to the antique store (open Sun - Wed, 12-5) and pick up a couple curios. Then back to the cabin to play, make dinner, and possibly try out the hot tub barrel. Ooops, rain storm -- we'll attempt it some other night.

Monday, August 23rd
On today's agenda are the Lewis and Clark Caverns, and then the Museum of the Rockies at MSU in Bozeman.

Today's big learnin'...August can go HOURS without using a bathroom. We decided against the 2 hour hike through the caverns because of the lack of potty, and then she refused to use ANY potty until we were back at the cabin hours later. Seriously--6 hours sans toilet. That can't be healthy. Anyway, back at the Caverns we walked through the visitors' center, watched the movie about the Caverns, and did a micro-hike and picnic in the woods. Got some great pictures from way up in the hills looking down toward the Jefferson River.

About 30 miles east was Bozeman and the Museum of the Rockies. The dinosaurs were pretty darn cool, though we were a bit confused about the Triceratops...both Ray and I had vague recollections about reading/hearing something recently "debunking" it in some way. Hmmm...oh, Wikipedia--. Anyway, August liked the museum okay, but was more interested in things like the "furry ropes" and standing on platforms than any of the exhibits. We also watched the "Dinosaur Chronicles" movie, which ranked "scawy" in her book.

Tuesday, August 24th
Stayed "close to home" today by driving down to Virginia City...which I had vague recollections of visiting as a child. On the way there, we had some excitement (according to small person) by witnessing an overturned cement truck. The town itself is a pretty cute Western-style town, with lots of stores preserved from the 1800s heydays, and some horse-drawn carriages to boot. We had lunch and walked around, and then let August pick out a few pieces of candy at the candy store. Thrills!

After driving back to the cabin for a nap, August and I drove up to the trail behind Pony. On our drive up, a small black bear ran out in front of the car…and since I was driving slow he ran way ahead of us for a bit, then ducked into the forest. Cool. We walked a little ways up the trail, which paralleled the creek for a bit, and took us up through grassy and rocky terrain with some brush a trees here and there. August tuckered out pretty quickly.

After dinner, we finally tried out the hillbilly hot tub...which took eons to heat up. August and Ray loved it. Me, the cold water lover, was too cold (must be a first/pregnancy thing).

Wednesday, August 25th
Big day today -- we drove down to Yellowstone, about 1.5 hours south of us. We first stopped in at the Wolf and Grizzly Discovery Center in West Yellowstone (not sure it was worth the $10.50 each), then drove into the park. Had a picnic and a wade in the Madison River, then drove to see the geysers...impressive blues and oranges. Then to Old Faithful, the visitors' center, watched the Yellowstone movie, snack, and back to see Old Faithful blow again. We picked up a little wolf for August, which was quickly adopted as a near-equal to Teddybear (!), and a little black bear for baby bro. On our drive back, we got several nice views of roaming bison, and some distant elk. Long, hot day, but absolutely worth it.


Thursday, August 26th
After our long Yellowstone day, we stayed close to home again…spent the morning up at the trail at the edge of the Forest, and came across some cowboys packing up to head into the forest to repair a dam. There was one guy on a horse, leading 3 other pack horses, and then two other guys on dirt bikes. Real deal cowboys, and surely infamous Pony bar regulars. Rugged. Then we drove around Pony a bit, back to the cabin for lunch, nap. Walked to the little picnic park in Pony, took more pictures and back before dinner and packing. Nice easy day before big drive out of Montana.

Friday, August 27th
Loaded up the car and left by 10 am. Drove all day, and once again (like several other days) August refused to use any bathroom, demonstrating impressive bladder skills (again, like 6 hours!). Arrived in Spokane and at hotel, and had a much appreciated swim. Dinner at Perkins...interesting. Our waitress seemed to be running the whole place, with a smile on her face. Big tip.

Saturday, August 28th
One more swim, breakfast, and on the road...we're ready to come home.

Getting all domestic-y

Mid-_____ crisis

Today it hit me...I'm having a mid-general exam/grad school/what should I do with my life crisis. It's left me feeling unmotivated and tired. I just want to lay on the couch and watch Top Chef.

But I can't. Niggling at the back of my mind is the reality that I have about 70 papers to get through in the next two months. The reading schedule is tight and there's not a lot of room to dilly-dally. What's made it so hard is that I'm reading very broadly initially and then more narrowly later. I planned my reading this way because I hadn't yet decided how I wanted to focus my exam. Now I'm realizing that I'm making the entire exam prep much more difficult as I have to read much more (and much more thoroughly) than I would if I knew exactly where this process is taking me.

I've decided to take the next day or so and read ahead to the more narrow papers I've selected. What I'm looking for is an idea or set of ideas that will trigger the "that's it! that's where I want to go for my dissertation!" The problem is, I've set up some criteria that makes this not so easy: 1) I must be enthusiastic about it, 2) it must lead to a greater goal that will impact rehabilitation in some way, rather than just some esoteric line of research that's light years away from clinical application and 3) it must be feasible, i.e. I don't want to explore an impossible question that's difficult to test.

Here's what I know so far: I want to explore cognitive aspects of aphasia. I'm especially interested in non-linguistic cognitive functions which support language production. I think attention is interesting, but it's hard to test (does not meet #3). Working memory is a more concrete cognitive function that incorporates attention, but I don't know what about it I'd want to test (not sure about #1). There's also short-term memory, which relates to the processing aspects of smaller components of language, but that literature gets a bit tedious (in my experience so far). However, it would tie into my mentor's work beautifully, and the models of short-term memory are very highly regarded. It would be a solid foundation. I'm also interested in visuospatial aspects, but it's too far removed from anything clinical (#2), as well as inhibition and decay during cognitive processing, but that gets into the priming literature that I'm not that fond of (#1).

What I want to happen is to read some specific aphasia/cog function papers in the next day or so, and remind myself what I find really exciting. There is not much worse than forcing yourself to read reams on a topic that's no fun. In my book, if the study isn't fun most of the time, then it's not worth it to do a PhD. And there are so many topics I find interesting...I just need to land on one of them. Once I find my focus, it'll be much easier to drink from the proverbial firehose.

Okay, here goes.

Save for posterity

Not many things come to mind when I think of what I'd hate to lose (inanimate object-wise) in a fire or disaster. I have this wood airplane propeller that I'd like to keep around, and some artwork, and photos that aren't uploaded to Snapfish. But what I really want to preserve for all time...the music from our wedding. Specifically, the mix that we played right after our ceremony.

We had a small wedding, only about 50 people or so, and it really was more like a cocktail party on Lake Union with a ceremony in the middle of it. The only live music performed was my brother singing Ave Maria before the vows-n-stuff. Now that I wish I had a recording of...but maybe I can ask him to sing it for me some other time. Anyway, we (mostly me) put together a mix of songs for after the ceremony that is still my favorite "mixed tape" to this day, partly because it's a good mixture of Ray and me. I've often worried about the cd going missing, or of my computer getting stolen and poof! the mix is gone. I know there are more sophisticated ways of preserving this mix, but for now, it's gonna be in list form.

Maui -- Iz (Israel Kamakawiwo'oe)
Heroes -- David Bowie
Guantanamera -- unknown (borrowed from Brad & Enrique's wedding mix)
More Than This -- Bryan Ferry
Love is All -- Jimmy Cliff
In Your Eyes -- Peter Gabriel
He'eia -- Hapa
Portland, Oregon -- Loretta Lynn & Jack White
Etoile -- Alicia Dara
Island of Wonders -- Nelly Furtado
Selma -- 3 Mustaphas 3
Alone Again -- Love
I Gotta Woman -- Ray Charles
Sweet Sensation -- UB40
I'm in Love with a Girl -- Big Star
The Floating Bed -- Elliot Goldenthal (Frida Soundtrack)
Happy Together (in French) -- Turtles cover
Wild Horses -- Sundays
Time Tough -- Toots and the Maytals