The Inner Bitch or How To Start a Relaxing Hobby

I paid a call to the yarn store yesterday.

Me (to clerk): Hi, I need some help. (The doctor told me I need to relax. Since I need some activity to make me do that, it was between crocheting and knitting. And since I've already tried knitting (for all of 24 minutes), and my knitting needles are lost in the garage, I guess I should try something new.)

Clerk: Yes, how can I help?

Me: Well, I want to learn to crochet. (Show me a book, the hook, and the yarn and I'll pay. I haven't plugged my meter since I've only allocated 5 minutes to this store, and I hope you move more quickly than those fabric store people.)

Clerk: Okay, so we have a number of great books on how to start up crochet...patterns...diagrams...here's one that--

Me: Great! That one is fine. (Just hand me the thinnest and simplest one with the biggest pictures and let's move on.) What about yarn?

Clerk: Well it depends on what you want to make....worsted-weight...finer yarn...enough for a hat...yada yada.

Me: Which one is best for beginners? Thicker yarn? (Look lady, the meter maid is probably ticketing my car by now, and frankly I could be satisfied by just tying knots in my shoelaces for relaxation, so I'm really not thinking about making hats at this point.)

Clerk: Well, this one is $6.50 and this one is $7.50...there are some really pretty ones over here that are finer...and some people like this one to start, but other people...

Me: Okay, so I need an average size hook, right. Where are the hooks? (Alright, I can figure the rest of this out for myself. Tick tock tick tock.)

Clerk: Oh yes hooks! Let me show you what we have over here....see this one is a 4.5 for finer yarn...and this one's a G...and there are different colors...there only $2 so you could try one of each...

Me: Great! (Bingo! I'll take these random two hooks and be gone. And by the time I get to looking at all this stuff it'll be 11 pm and I won't be able to figure it out anyway.)

Clerk (at cash register): Now we have classes so you can learn with others...mailing list...

Me: I'm good for now. Thanks so much for your help. (No ticket. No ticket. No ticket.)